How much time is okay for my child to spend away from me?

When our children are born, this question could not be further from our mind. Even on our hardest days (or nights) of parenting, needing a break from our kids rarely turns into “how much time can my child spend away from me?”. But this is the situation we’re faced, as separated and divorced parents.

What is an acceptable amount of time for my baby or toddler, to spend away from me?

This is not an easy conversation, and there’s no ‘one size fits all’ answer. However, there are some guidelines, based on what we currently know from research.

There is an assumption in family law and society as a whole, that babies are the domain of women. There are a few reasons for this and one of them is the biological imperative. In Australia, the vast majority of women still want to be their baby’s primary carer. More than ever, women are encouraging men to be hands on with the care of babies – get up in the night, take them out for a couple of hours then a few hours once they’re a few months old. However, in Australia, babies are primarily cared for by women.

In situations where both parents live together, Dads have much more capacity to hang out with their baby. Whether it’s while mum has a shower or nap, not only are Dads spending unstructured time with their infants, they’re also ‘around’ them simply because they live in the same house. Weekend outings for Mum and Dad include the baby. Dad is ‘around’ so he gets to do more – nappies, rocking to sleep, carrying around the shopping centre. Even just a half hour afternoon walk can be a family affair.

Separated families are different.

Dads don’t get to ‘be around’ their babies in the same way, so we need to create time for this to happen. This can be really tricky – especially if Mum and Dad don’t like each other, or there’s never really been a relationship between Mum and Dad. There might be no trust and very little experience of each other. It’s really easy to misinterpret communication and be defensive. This is a ‘high stakes’ event – you’re both scared of doing the wrong thing for your baby while at the same time, terrified you’ll be locked out of your baby’s life.

Some families aren’t able to have one parent at home full time with their baby or toddler. In these cases, a child who is spending a few days a week at day care, usually won’t have too much trouble spending a couple of non-consecutive nights away from Mum. For families where Mum is with baby 24\7, overnight time away can be more difficult.

It’s important to remember that in order for a baby (0-6 months of age) to get use to being cared for by both parents, they need to spend time in the care of both parents. So how do you do this?

Research shows that babies and toddlers do best with short periods away from their primary carer, with short times between spending time with their other parent. What this means, can often be difficult to put in place due to work commitments and the baby’s routine. It might require a considerable amount of co-operation.

For the first six months, shared time might look something like this:

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 11am	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum
11am – 2pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum
2pm – 6pm	Dad	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum

You?ll note that for the first six months, there’s no overnight time with Dad. This schedule of time is also only appropriate if Baby is able to take a bottle – be it breast-milk or formula. If Baby doesn’t take a bottle, the time spent with Dad will need to be reduced to up to an hour to start, and then maybe 2hrs or 3hrs as Baby is a few months old. This time might be spent with Dad taking baby out for a walk. If Mum and Dad are able to co-operate and trust each other to be respectful and honest, Dad might be able to spend time with Baby in Mum’s home. It’s important if this is the case, that Mum let Dad learn Baby, and learn how to attend to Babys’ needs, without her hovering over him. It?s one thing for Dad to ask Mum about Baby, it’s another thing altogether, for Mum to dictate to Dad what needs to be done and how.

It’s also important for Dad to remember that Mum is learning Baby too. It’s important if Mum and Dad can both attend to Baby in similar ways. It’s very important if Mum has a set routine or schedule, that both parents stick to it.

Considerations

One of the biggest considerations with babies, is allowing both Mum and Dad to discover their baby and learn with their baby, how to care for and look after their babys needs. This requires not only time alone with the baby, but different periods of time throughout a day.

The next biggest consideration, is allowing Mum and Baby time to develop their breastfeeding relationship, if Mum is able to breastfeed. Many people think breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the world, and it is – but learning to breastfeed takes time and commitment. It isn’t as easy as it looks and can be difficult for Mum and Bub. Support from a registered lactation consultant can be paramount in the early days and weeks.

The World Health Organisation recommends babies are exclusively breastfeed for at least six months with supplemented feeding to 2 years and beyond. These 10 Facts about breastfeeding might be of interest for Mum and Dad.

From 1 year of age

As baby ages, the time spent away from Mum can increase. By 1 year of age, baby might be able to spend a full day, from 9am until 5pm with Dad. Again, it’s important to ensure the routine set in one home is followed in the other home. If baby is at day care by this age, full days away from Mum have already been established, so there’s encouragement that a full day with Dad would go well.

A time schedule for a full time working Dad might look something like this:

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum
9am – 3pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum
3pm – 6pm	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum

Considerations

Of course, the biggest consideration is going to be Dads availability. Secondly, it will be babys established routine. These times are just guidelines. If Baby normally sleeps from 1pm until 2pm, then afternoon time might commence at 2:30pm. Alternatively, if Baby sleeps until 3pm, time might commence at 3:30pm. And the same with the evening routine. If Baby has dinner at 4pm, and is in bed for night time at 6pm, the afternoon time would need to satisfy that routine. The guiding idea is that Baby spend a few hours, encompassing different parts of the day – sleep, eat, play, bed time routine, bath and even regular activities like swimming lessons, Play Group and being collected and dropped off at Day Care – with both parents.

When it comes to overnight time away from Mum, this will depend greatly on the relationship between Mum and Dad and how well Baby is sleeping. If Baby goes to sleep easily, wakes infrequently and sleeps 10 – 12 hours each night, over night time will progress more easily.

From 2 years of age

By the time Baby turns two, it’s not unreasonable to expect that time away from Mum can be whole days. It’s probably still a good idea to commence overnight time in the afternoon, continued into the next day. It just seems to be easier for most toddlers to cope when overnight time is managed this way.

If Dad is working full time, a schedule of time might look like this:

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum
9am – 3pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum
3pm – 6pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum

Considerations

The biggest consideration here, on top of previous points to remember, is how much time Dad has spent with Baby until this age. If Dad has been regularly involved in the daily care of Baby, this is a reasonable schedule of time. If Dad and Baby are less known to each other, or if Dad has come and gone from Babys life, it’s a good idea to start with the schedule for a 12 month old and increase time from there, as the relationship grows.

From 3 years of age

All the considerations from previous ages apply. Again, it’s important to maintain Babys routine. A schedule of time might look something like this:

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Mum

Alternatively, consecutive nights might begin to be introduced, with a view to moving to a fortnightly schedule of time instead of a weekly rotation.

Week 1

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Mum

Week 2

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum

From 4 years of age

Consecutive nights are usually introduced by this time. There’s as many options as you can imagine, depending on what suits each parent’s work commitments. An option where alternating weekends and weekday dinners is the first example with alternating weekends and week night overnights the second example.

Week 1

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum

Week 2

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Mum

Example #2

Week 1

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Mum

Week 2

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum

From 5 years of age

In most Australian States, formalised education in one form or another commences the year a child turns five. If an equal time arrangement is desired, this is when most children commence moving toward the fortnightly schedule. In some cases, it’s a good idea to delay this time until children are settled into the new school routine (until Grade 1) – especially if they have been use to being at home instead of at Day Care or Kindy.

There’s two ways school term time can be shared – either half-week or week-a-bout.

Option 1 – half week

Week 1

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad	Mum

Week 2

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum

Option 2 – week-a-bout

Week 1

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Mum

Week 2

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum

From 6 years of age

By this age, most children are accustomed to formalised education and the associated demands including homework. If an equal time arrangement is desired, most children continue moving toward the fortnightly schedule. If you’ve chosen to afford your child extra time to get use to school before they get use to sharing their week between two homes, refer to the previous schedule.

There’s two ways school term time can be shared – either half-week or week-a-bout.

Option 1 – half week

Week 1

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad	Mum

Week 2

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Mum	Mum
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum

Option 2 – week-a-bout

Week 1

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad
Overnight	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad

Week 2

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Dad	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum
9am – 5pm	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum
5pm – 7pm	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum
Overnight	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum

From 7 years of age

By this age, most children are well and truly into the swing of school. If an equal time arrangement is desired, most children continue moving toward the fortnightly schedule.

There’s two ways school term time can be shared – either half-week or week-a-bout.

Option 1 – half week

Week 1

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Mum

Week 2

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Mum	Mum
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum

Option 2 – week-a-bout

Week 1

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad
Overnight	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad

Week 2

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Mum	Mum
9am – 5pm	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Mum	Mum
5pm – 7pm	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum
Overnight	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum

From 8 years of age and TEENS

Once their youngest child is 8 years old, lots of families choose to shfit their week-a-bout arrangement from after school Friday to Friday to late Sunday to Sunday. Teenagers especially value having a weekend at the end of a week with each parent so they can easily organise their social activities. It’s harder to negotiate what, when, where and who is happening this weekend, with a parent in another home. It’s also very convenient for teens who have lots of extra curricular demands. It’s better for parents to be responsible for moving belongings from home to home on Sunday night, than for teens to take everything they need for the following week to and from school. A Sunday afternoon or evening changeover facilitates easy transfer of all the kids ‘stuff’.

Week-a-bout for children with heavy sport or extra-curricular demands and teens

Week 1

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad
Overnight	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad

Week 2

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad
9am – 5pm	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad
5pm – 7pm	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Mum
Overnight	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Mum

As has been stated, this is by no means a one-size-fits-all approach. These types of schedules will work for some families and not for others. How available the full time working parent is, will depend on how much time they can spend with their infant or toddler. Just remember, if there is no established relationship – whether the child is 2 or 12 – time away from the major time parent needs to be commenced slowly and built up.

If both parents are working full time, from a child’s infancy, care arrangements can be much more flexible between parents. For babies older than 6 months, it is important to provide stability and continuity of care. Longer periods with each parent may be suitable for children in Day Care, it just depends on the baby.

Signs for caution

Many parents report that their toddler is considerably distressed upon returning from significant time away from them. It’s important to remember that children go through developmental stages. Consider whether your child is going through a period of clinginess due to reaching a new stage, or whether it’s specific to being separated from you to be with their other parent. If a child happily and easily spends time at Day Care or with a Grandparent, and then has disrupted sleep or is clingy after being with their other parent, it might be prudent to adjust the time schedule to manage it differently. Consider an arrangement where the child spends smaller amounts of time away, with smaller amounts of time between each time away.

When children are about 7 years of age, even if they’ve spent their entire life moving between their parents, it’s common for them to again go through a period of ‘missing’ one parent. This may manifest as periods of quiet or sadness. There may even be more extreme behaviour of crying when leaving a parent either to go to the other parent or when leaving with a parent.

Changeover

It’s a good idea, if your child is experiencing some separation anxiety, for the parent who is commencing time with the child to collect them. This makes the ‘going’ experience more exciting because they’re going somewhere rather than being dropped off by a parent and ‘left’.

Let yourself be guided by your child. Communicate openly with their other parent. Understand that Mum’s might have a lot of trouble separating from their baby and toddler. Dad’s might have a lot of fear that they’re missing their childs whole life and their child won?t even know them. It’s important to be considerate of each other, and do what you can to work together. If your child is just a baby, you’ve a long road ahead. Try to start things off the best way possible – choose the kind of relationship you will have with their other parent and work toward that. If you can’t reach agreement or figure a way through the conflict of organising time for your child to spend with both their parents – don’t wait until things are dire. Seek support as soon as possible. See a counsellor if you’re suffering emotionally. Mediation is a way to not only formulate agreements, but also talk about the type of separated family you will be. Think of your separated family as a business with your children the assets. You and their other parent are responsible for ensuring your children flourish and succeed. Be the best parent you can be, let go of the little things, and focus on the fact that your child loves you both. This is not easy – it’s a tough journey and one many struggle with. Good luck! X

About the author

Kirsty Petersen

Family mediation is not just a job for me. I genuinely appreciate the opportunity to support families to make their life different. Your marriage and relationship might be over, but your relationship with your children isn't. Now is the time to focus on the future - and carve out a new kind of life - a different life from what you expected, but a great life. Contact me today, and let's start moving things along, for you and your children.