How much time is okay for my child to spend away from me?

When our children are born, this question could not be further from our mind. Even on our hardest days (or nights) of parenting, needing a break from our kids rarely turns into “how much time can my child spend away from me?”. But this is the situation we’re faced, as separated and divorced parents.

What is an acceptable amount of time for my baby or toddler, to spend away from me?

This is not an easy conversation, and there’s no ‘one size fits all’ answer. However, there are some guidelines, based on what we currently know from research.

There is an assumption in family law and society as a whole, that babies are the domain of women. There are a few reasons for this and one of them is the biological imperative. In Australia, the vast majority of women still want to be their baby’s primary career. More than ever, women are encouraging men to be hands on with the care of babies – get up in the night, take them out for a couple of hours then a few hours once they’re a few months old. However, in Australia, babies are primarily cared for by women.

In situations where both parents live together, Dads have much more capacity to hang out with their baby. Whether it’s while mum has a shower or nap, not only are Dads spending unstructured time with their infants, they’re also ‘around’ them simply because they live in the same house. Weekend outings for Mum and Dad include the baby. Dad is ‘around’ so he gets to do more – nappies, rocking to sleep, carrying around the shopping Centre. Even just a half hour afternoon walk can be a family affair.

Separated families are different.

Dads don’t get to ‘be around’ their babies in the same way, so we need to create time for this to happen. This can be really tricky – especially if Mum and Dad don’t like each other, or there’s never really been a relationship between Mum and Dad. There might be no trust and very little experience of each other. It’s really easy to misinterpret communication and be defensive. This is a ‘high stakes’ event – you’re both scared of doing the wrong thing for your baby while at the same time, terrified you’ll be locked out of your baby’s life.

Some families aren’t able to have one parent at home full time with their baby or toddler. In these cases, a child who is spending a few days a week at day care, usually won’t have too much trouble spending a couple of non-consecutive nights away from Mum. For families where Mum is with baby 24\7, overnight time away can be more difficult.

It’s important to remember that in order for a baby (0-6 months of age) to get use to being cared for by both parents, they need to spend time in the care of both parents. So how do you do this?

Research shows that babies and toddlers do best with short periods away from their primary career, with short times between spending time with their other parent. What this means, can often be difficult to put in place due to work commitments and the baby’s schedule. It might require a considerable amount of co-operation.

For the first six months, shared time might look something like this:

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 11am	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum
11am – 2pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum
2pm – 6pm	Dad	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum

You’ll note that for the first six months, Dad’s time with Baby should be limited to an hour or two, depending on whether Baby can take breast-milk or formula. If Baby doesn’t take a bottle, Dad’s time should be reduced to an hour, then a few hours or three, with Dad taking Baby for walks. If the parents can cooperate and trust each other, Dad may be able to spend time with Baby at Mum’s home. It’s crucial for Mum to let Dad learn about Baby’s needs without her hovering over him. Inadequate for Dad to ask Mum about Baby, but for Mum to dictate what needs to be done.

It’s also important for Dad to remember that Mum is learning Baby too. Better if Mum and Dad can both attend to Baby in similar ways. It’s very if Mum has a routine or schedule, that both parents to it.

Considerations

One of the biggest considerations with babies, is allowing both Mum and Dad to discover their baby and learn with their baby, how to care for and look after their baby’s needs. This requires not only time alone with the baby, but different periods of time throughout a day.

The next biggest consideration, is allowing Mum and Baby time to develop their breastfeeding relationship, if Mum is able to breastfeed. Many people think breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the world, and it is – but learning to breastfeed takes time and commitment. It isn’t as easy as it looks and can be difficult for Mum and Bub. Support from a registered lactation consultant can be paramount in the early days and weeks.

The World Health Organisation recommends babies are exclusively breastfeed for at least six months with supplemented feeding to 2 years and beyond. These Facts about breastfeeding might be of interest for Mum and Dad.

From 1 year of age

As baby ages, the time spent away from Mum can increase. By 1 year of age, baby might be able to spend a full day, from 9am until 5pm with Dad. Again, it’s important to ensure the schedule set in one home is followed in the other home. If baby is at day care by this age, full days away from Mum have already been established, so there’s encouragement that a full day with Dad would go well.

A time schedule for a full time working Dad might look something like this:

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum
9am – 3pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum
3pm – 6pm	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum

Considerations

Of course, the biggest consideration is going to be Dads availability. Secondly, it will be baby’s established routine. These times are just guidelines. If Baby normally sleeps from 1pm until 2pm, then afternoon time might commence at 2:30pm. Alternatively, if Baby sleeps until 3pm, time might commence at 3:30pm. And the same with the evening routine. If Baby has dinner at 4pm, and is in bed for night time at 6pm, the afternoon time would need to satisfy that schedule. The guiding idea is for Baby to spend a few hours, encompassing different parts of the day – including sleep, eating, playtime, bedtime schedule, bath, and even regular activities like swimming lessons, Play Group, and being collected and dropped off at Day Care – with both parents.

When it comes to overnight time away from Mum, this will depend greatly on the relationship between Mum and Dad and how well Baby is sleeping. If Baby goes to sleep easily, wakes infrequently and sleeps 10 – 12 hours each night, over night time will progress more easily.

From 2 years of age

By the time Baby turns two, it’s not unreasonable to expect that time away from Mum can be whole days. It’s probably still a good idea to commence overnight time in the afternoon, continued into the next day. It just seems to be easier for most toddlers to cope when overnight time is managed this way.

If Dad is working full time, a schedule of time might look like this:

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum
9am – 3pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum
3pm – 6pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum

Considerations

The biggest consideration here, on top of previous points to remember, is how much time Dad has spent with Baby until this age. If Dad has been actively involved in the daily care of the baby, this schedule of time is reasonable.. If Dad and Baby are less known to each other, or if Dad has come and gone from Baby’s life, it’s a good idea to start with the schedule for a 12 month old and increase time from there, as the relationship grows.

From 3 years of age

All the considerations from previous ages apply. Again, it’s important to maintain Baby’s routine. A schedule of time might look something like this:

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Mum

Alternatively, you can start introducing consecutive nights with the goal of transitioning to a fortnightly schedule instead of a weekly rotation.

Week 1

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Mum

Week 2

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum

From 4 years of age

Consecutive nights are usually introduced by this time. There’s as many options as you can imagine, depending on what suits each parent’s work commitments. An option where alternating weekends and weekday dinners is the first example with alternating weekends and week night overnights the second example.

Week 1

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum

Week 2

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Mum

Example #2

Week 1

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Mum

Week 2

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum

From 5 years of age

In most Australian States, formalised education in one form or another commences the year a child turns five. If you desire an equal time arrangement, this is typically when most children begin transitioning to the fortnightly schedule. In some cases, it’s advisable to postpone this transition until children have settled into the new school routine (until Grade 1) particularly if they have been accustomed to being at home instead of attending Day Care or Kindergarten.

There are two ways to share school term time – either half-week or week-a-bout.

Option 1 – half week

Week 1

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad	Mum

Week 2

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum

Option 2 – week-a-bout

Week 1

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Mum

Week 2

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum

From 6 years of age

By this age, most children are familiar with formal education and its associated demands, including homework. If you desire an equal time arrangement, most children typically transition to the fortnightly schedule. If you’ve chosen to afford your child extra time to get use to school before they get use to sharing their week between two homes, refer to the previous schedule.

There’s two ways school term time can be shared – either half-week or week-a-bout.

Option 1 – half week

Week 1

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad	Mum

Week 2

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Mum	Mum
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum

Option 2 – week-a-bout

Week 1

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad
Overnight	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad

Week 2

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Dad	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum
9am – 5pm	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum
5pm – 7pm	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum
Overnight	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum

From 7 years of age

By this age, most children are well and truly into the swing of school. If you desire an equal time arrangement, most children typically transition towards the fortnightly schedule.

There are two ways to share school term time – either half-week or week-about.

Option 1 – half week

Week 1

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Mum

Week 2

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Mum	Mum
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum
Overnight	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum

Option 2 – week-a-bout

Week 1

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad
Overnight	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad	Dad	Dad

Week 2

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Mum	Mum
9am – 5pm	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Mum	Mum
5pm – 7pm	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum
Overnight	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum

From 8 years of age and TEENS

Many families adjust their week-a-bout schedules after their youngest child turns eight, shifting from after school Friday to Friday to late Sunday to Sunday. Teenagers especially value having a weekend at the end of a week with each parent so they can easily organise their social activities. It’s harder to negotiate what, when, where and who is happening this weekend, with a parent in another home. It’s also very convenient for teens who have lots of extra curricular demands. Parents should be more responsible for moving belongings on Sunday night than teens should take everything for the following week to and from school. A Sunday afternoon or evening changeover facilitates easy transfer of all the kids ‘stuff’.

Week-a-bout for children with heavy sport or extra-curricular demands and teens

Week 1

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Mum	Mum	Dad	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum
9am – 5pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum
5pm – 7pm	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad
Overnight	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Mum	Dad

Week 2

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
7am – 9am	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad
9am – 5pm	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad
5pm – 7pm	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Mum
Overnight	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Dad	Mum

As mentioned before, this approach is not suitable for everyone. These types of schedules will work for some families and not for others. The availability of a full-time working parent depends on their ability to spend time with their infant or toddler. Just remember, if there is no established relationship – whether the child is 2 or 12 – you need to start spending time away from the primary parent slowly and gradually build it up.

If both parents are working full time, from a child’s infancy, care arrangements can be much more flexible between parents. For babies older than 6 months, it is important to provide stability and continuity of care. Longer periods with each parent may be suitable for children in Day Care, it just depends on the baby.

Signs for caution

Many parents report that their toddler experiences significant distress upon returning from significant time away from them. It’s important to remember that children go through developmental stages. Consider whether your child is experiencing clinginess due to entering a new stage or if it’s related to their separation from you to be with their other parent.. If a child happily and easily spends time at Day Care or with a Grandparent, and then has disrupted sleep or is clingy after being with their other parent, it might be prudent to adjust the time schedule to manage it differently. The child allocated smaller periods of time away, with shorter periods between each time away.

At age 7, children often experience a period of ‘missing’ one parent, despite having spent their entire life moving between them. This may manifest as periods of quiet or sadness. Crying can intensify when departing a parent, whether switching to  other parent or departing with one, possibly exhibiting extreme behaviour.

Changeover

If your child is experiencing separation anxiety, it’s recommended that the parent who starts time with the child collect them. The ‘GOING’ experience enhanced by the child going themselves instead of having a parent drop them off and leave them.

Parents should guide their child and communicate openly with their other parent. It is important to be considerate and work together to ensure a successful separation. If the child is a baby, it is a long road ahead. Start by choosing the best relationship with their other parent and work towards that. If unable to reach an agreement or arrange child-parent time, seek support and counseling if you are experiencing emotional distress. Mediation can help formulate agreements and discuss the type of separated family. Think of the separated family as a business with the children as assets. Be the best parent by letting go of small issues and focusing on your child’s love for both of you. This is a tough journey that many struggle with. Good luck! X